Mindful of questions and teacher in my soul...

Mindful of questions and teacher in my soul...

Not like I don’t know what is happening or where I m going. I do know very well and definitely know that it will be gone, sooner or later. Such a bad painful feeling...but I have seen the worse. I hate myself because my experience doesn’t help me when I need it most.

It affects all of us in our life sometime. I realize that I have been in my own shoes so many times that I can understand my own situation like no other.

All what I m trying to say is Infatuation; happens to all of us but never last. If it continues it turns into love which is different than former. And I feel miserable. Miserable because I wasn't prepared for this (I never was). It hit me hard and now I can't think of anything else but what just happened to me.


And sharing doesn't help either as it just makes you think more and that sucks too. So I decided to keep myself happier than the feeling how miserable I am now.


But then I ask myself too; why can't I just be normal? I mean what is wrong in being normal? Why I have to be "HAPPY"? May be I m trying too hard to be happy.

But I can't help this feeling of liking some one that too - one sided. But then I think it’s good too, coz if my entire crush turns out to be successful or mutual, I’ll be a whore- man whore. I fall too much into this crush thing (read crap).

By the way if someone reads my page would say- may be some teenage virgin has doodled something...

I would rather be a Wannabe…

I have found this as the most commonly used word in the circle where I work, it’s like a just another cliché. And half of the people who use it, trust me can’t even define it.
I can’t define it either. As far as I knew about this term, it meant for people who try hard to be someone who they are not, mostly someone famous. That’s it. Nonetheless, it’s one of the most common used slang these days. I mean try wearing a rugged jeans or flashy colored shoes, try new hair cut or walking in public with ear phones on, whatever you do which rest of people don’t, makes you a wannabe.

And irony is most of the people who use the term wannabe are mostly just insecure or may be not confident enough or wannabe themselves.

I m just pissed with the thought of calling someone wannabe. I did have used the term for a lot of people however I had facts to say (I know I m defending myself). But I m pissed because it’s been more than a few incidents when my friends or not so friendly friends called me a wannabe. (So finally offence taken)!!

You are sucha wannabe!!!

What the f***???

I have been called “wannabe” in a situation when I was doing stuffs like:-


a) Walking in mall in my shorts.
b) Listening country songs late night while smoking cigarettes.(( I don’t listen to rap,hip hop as I don’t understand, neither the person you called me wannabe))
c) I bought Red shoes,
d) I had a small pony (very small)
e) I wore old, dirty t-shirt on Friday in the office.
f) I denied listening to “Rang barse” on Holi.
g) I got a picture clicked against my bullet, while facing the sky.(( Guy who called me wannabe is a jerk besides that, he has got 100 pics of his own on FB with the victory sign while smoking pot))
h) Talking to my friends in fake American accent. ( that was supposed to fun, still called me wannabe)
i) I just now bought a chair which doesn’t have a back support just for fun.
j) Writing blogs.

By the way, writing blogs too??? Seriously??? That’s creative… At least I don’t micro blog and say that “I’m having malaria…down with fever”…. (Having malaria with what.. coffee)?? Or “Met with minor accident” ((Where did you meet? say hi from my side too)). Or change location of pubs and bars every hour.

It irks me how commonly it’s in use. How about those who uses very frequently and confidently:

i) Ma or mah instead of my.
ii) Brotha instead of brother.
iii) Dear!! Like yes dear, why dear, hello dear, sure dear.
iv) Posting 100 pics of him/her own, literally 100. And it’s the same taken from mobile or some lame camera; focus on face from all sides; who cares about where it was taken, even at loo

I know free country!!! Nothing wrong with self obsession however what about wannabe then?


If you Google it you may find somewhere that “ A person who thinks that they have the right to talk about people who they don't like; most of the time these people can't even say what they want to a person’s face instead they say it behind someone's back... or they type it on the internet. When in all actuality they are really jealous of the person and want to be more like them.

What is so wrong with acting like someone one can’t ever be? Just because I have never done certain things or nobody “normal” will do that, can’t I do that? Can’t I just do things when I just feel like doing it without giving it much of thought? So instead of keep on doing things which I m supposed to because they like it and they do it and they want it, I would rather call myself a “wannabe”, it feels more good, freedom and carefree.

For you my dear friends...

Disclaimer: I m not an expert to advice people, especially when it comes to “how to learn English”.

I have been quite active in a new social networking site lately and mind you it’s not facebook. In this site people come to improve or brush up their communication skills. These people are from all corners of the world. I spend a pretty good time chatting with them, discussing their difficulties with the language. Members here are smart, educated, ambitious and pretty much involved in their own field. Best thing, people here get together from different places and backgrounds but for common goal, to improveor learn English as a language, in addition to other communication skills.

There are already a plethora of websites, blogs and communities where one can go and learn or practice. However as far as I know, many lack interaction among their members, multiple chat. Anyways I managed to get few friends here from all across the globe. After chatting with them for a week now, they wanted me to share my knowledge and skills (whatever little I have).

So here I’m, trying to give them some tips which they may use in order to learn English.

Here goes the list.

Language or communication skill is comprised of 4 important factors:

Reading
Listening
Speaking
Writing.

Reading is a habit. As mentioned by Dr. Seuss, famous writer and cartoonist “The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn the more places you'll go.”It’s important to read as; the more you read more you know and more you will be able to express yourself. Reading helps you in enhancing whatever little you have. Like how would you be speaking about some famous personality if you have never read about him? How would you be able to talk about any political, social or cultural scenario if you don’t know about it? Take anything, if you want to be a smart talker or thinker you have to read a lot about it. So read a lot to know a little about something. Make a habit of reading about things which are going around you. Best is read newspapers. Read about topics which you like the most; things like politics, sports, movies, food or fashion etc. This gives you a lot of ideas about things which you like and a lot of knowledge to share. Sharing is a key of communication. Read different articles, columns, comics, magazine, books, novels, short stories, blogs, applications and letters. These varieties of things will help you later while you start writing or speaking.


Listening is equally important. You know a good listener is a good speaker too. The more you listen more you grasp. Have you ever tried listening to someone who has accomplished so much in their life? I mean for example Nick Vujicic( google him), listen to him once, see what difference he makes to you in mere 10 minutes. Listening attentively to someone plays an important role in your job and relationship. A famous quote says: "The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." There is a major difference between listening and active listening. When you actively listen to people around you, you leave a good impression on them. Active listening means listen attentively and acknowledge. To get the habit start listening to Radio or audio books or may be some pretty good songs, I mean a good piece of knowledge can come from any corner!!! We focus more when we listenin the absence of any visual. It takes more concentration than usual. Listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming a better listener, we will improve your productivity, as well as our ability to influence others.


Speaking, it’s a major factor of communication skill. You can be judged in a minute, the moment you open your mouth and utter a word. Experienced people at work place or somewhere else can literally scan you if you keep on talking for few minutes. It’s a one big factor which helps people to be judgmental about your personality. So we should always keep a check and think before we open our mouth in front of others. There wouldn’t be any war if we were dumb. As by now when we are aware of the importance of speaking, a major factor in good communication skill; we should also work on it to improve it, make it more effective. Start speaking among your friends, family or may be in front of mirror. Keep a check on two things, pronunciation and tone. Follow talk shows on T.V, dialogues in movies, read words out loud. Open your mouth when you say or pronounce words. A fun way is to go to you tube put a song along with lyrics, read the lyrics, listen to the music and sing the song along. It helps a lot in pronunciation. Believe me such a fun way to improve pronunciation and tone. Same goes with movie or talk shows; you’ll see professionals speaking in a correct manner.

Writing, it comes late in the picture as you can always have a proof check for your writing skill before you actually submit it unlike speaking where you make a quick impression, having said that, it has a major impact in you communication skill. You will be judged by the way you write. Spelling mistakes or incorrect sentences leaves you with an impression which is definitely not positive. Though it’s more of an art and it needs a lot of practice and exercise. Even the great personalities around the world hire people to write on their behalf. So it’s actually not that easy. You will have to work a lot on it, initially though. Later you can just start brushing it up, learn new words new style and you will be good to go. To have good writing skill, start writing NOW. Start with writing a diary about your daily activity, your likes/dislikes your interest, love interest, hobby, frustration almost about anything in your head. How would you know if it is correct or not, take some help from someone who knows, internet, mentor, online anywhere. See the point is to write, if you don’t you wouldn’t you couldn’t. Now here is how reading will help you. When you will read about something which someone has written you will know how it was written that will do the magic.

This is what I have experienced and learnt in last four years. If you wish, please follow and it will certainly show you the results. Be it English, French, Japanese, Russian, Arabian or German works out for all of them…guaranteed. I m proof myself I know all of these languages…no … just kidding I only know Hindi and English.

Holi Hai...

Woke up 9:30 am, 30 mins before my alarm could beep.  Made a real awful tea as milk was finished and also at times I am too lazy to wait patiently in the kitchen, waiting for my tea to get perfect color, aroma and other bull sh**. Poured whatever hot crap I got and went straight to the balcony to look at the chaos. As expected same old cliché “ Bura na mano Holi hai”.

People, random people, shuffled age but one thing in common, all with colored face especially red, green, pink and a little of yellow, clothes without clothes no difference. The street all muddy mix with colors and water. It was a pretty good crowd of 20-25 people and yes ladies from their balcony throwing water on them in buckets. And of course kids like little terminators –predators running around with guns taller than themselves injecting colors on every moving being, be it a dog. Songs playing in back ground to get the feel.

You  see, go anywhere in India, any region (mostly), there is one song which you can hear playing everywhere or at some place just this song till the day ends, Rang barse… By the way I have allergy to this song, not because it’s old or Amitabh is not my favorite or something just because of its overuse. I like other old songs older than this one and lame ones too but not this one at all. Despite the fact the song is nation’s favorite, especially for Holi.

I don’t remember my first Holi ever but I know that I was very fond of this day when I was a kid or till my teenage.  With my other friends I happened to rendezvous early morning in our old clothes with some early preparation like stuffing our pockets with different colors -of all kind and covering ourselves with lots and lots of mustard oil so that later we can rub the color off later easily.

Once reached to our pre decided destination, without any delay used to take out all the colors and 3…2…1 mercilessly putting colors on each other and on every visible place of the body, rubbing hands again in water and color and back again on new unpainted face, boys running for their life and somebody chasing them with their best speed possible. Once the target is caught, he would have to follow the league of colored ones to chase down some new uncolored face. This hunt used to go on for good 3 -4 hours till the time either everybody is out of color or out of uncolored faces or few would stop if they just go out of cloths.

And then going to close-by river taking 100 plunge in cold water of March  and come back home in afternoon for a proper shower. Mothers and sisters used to help in un-coloring our body. A long sleep after local country cuisine Dhuska, pua, dahi bada ,katahal etc etc. In the evening ready ourselves for the ABIR. It’s a celebration post Holi game of morning where we go to each other place neighbors, relative, friends etc to … don’t know but just used to go to crash on foods and dry colors (Abir) again.

But this was all back then, once upon a time when I was not so young. Now it has changed. The meaning of holi has changed. Infact I don’t like celebrating anymore, no emotional baggage but just don’t feel like. May be because place has changed, don’t have old friends anymore. Now when I live alone, I don’t hear noise of my mother yelling at me to change clothes before someone ruins my cloth. That’s how the real Holi used to get started…

But of course when I was sipping my tea while gazing at the people, I did whisper Holi Hai… It still brings smile on my face and some nostalgia in my head...

  

Café latte and café mocha

I was getting late for my office in the morning. Thursdays I work quite late, we have our meetings which go for longs hours so I reach home late, usually. Tired with last night work and finishing some monthly reports which were to be submitted today, totally crushed me hence I collapsed on my dining table while I was working on my laptop .I woke up late. I was all nervous, big day for me. I was working my butt off since last one year just for this day. My promotion and perks was on stake. I was making coffee and piling files at the same time. I rushed to shower and came back, all set in my formals. I had hundred things going on my head, a bit ruffle. Had my coffee, all reports, laptop, cell phone, purse, hair check and I was done.  Locked the door and left hurriedly. Hopped inside the car, drove it as quick as I could and first time with no music, even my own honking was irking me. I kept on checking my hair and lipstick.

I was preparing for the presentation I had to give in the meeting. I work in a small IT firm. As informed after my promotion I could go to Singapore for two years. I needed this promotion so badly not only for the next position but also for the wage. I have a fat loan on my head along with the responsibility of old parents and younger brother on my shoulders. I got married 6 years back it was a love marriage. My husband was my only boy friend too back in college days. We were quite compatible. He used to love me for what I was. I was confident funny, sensitive and strong headed girl back then. Right after college we decided to get married as we were so much in love. Also both got job in the same city.  We bought a small flat and car for ourselves on mortgage. We had begun our happy love marriage. We both were really blessed the way things started off. In a couple of years - we both got our promotion. Big cheques coming in the house we were already planning and dreaming about our future. We planned to have kids, bigger house, vacations, savings, retirement almost everything we could plan about. I could see things happening.

Somebody honked so hard I trembled and resumed myself from the flash back. Stared at my watch and it was already late for the meeting. Next thing I could imagine was my boss’s face on my window shield. I could never understand him.  A 50 something semi bald, fair stocky guy always in need of something, either give him his job done or blow him off but yes he needed perfection in both.  He would always push people and ask for that ‘extra’ which would give them theedge over others. One promotion and I could go to a different project leaving him behind. I was just done with him bossing over me, done with those small cunning sarcastic eyes. His eyes would always ask for that extra. Few months back he wanted me to join him for a 3 days trip to another branch in another city. I could see that there is nothing for me to learn so I denied even after his “let me break it this way” explanations. It was quite insulting for him but quite relieving for me.

I reached office just on time. I saw everybody in formal, fresh and groomed just like they were on the very first day for the interview.  I parked my car and ran towards the elevator. I directly entered the meeting room which was already occupied. I pulled myself together and grabbed a chair in the room full of bosses.  Before we could get started my boss stood up and said - Here’s my theory about meetings and life; the three things you can’t fake are erections, competence and creativity. That’s why meetings become toxic they put uncreative people in a situation in which they have to be something they can never be. And the more effort they put into concealing their inabilities, the more toxic the meeting becomes. One of the most common creativity-faking tactics is when someone puts their hands in prayer position and conceals their mouth while they nod at you and say, 'Mmmmmm. Interesting.' If pressed, they’ll add, 'I’ll have to get back to you on that.' Then they don’t say anything else.

Everybody clapped on the lines which were not even written by him. We had 30 minutes each to finish our presentation. I was the last. We finished our client meeting and headed back to our internal meeting. There we had discussion on our statistics, data, parameter and next quarter plan. When result came, I was not considered for promotion. I was doomed. All I could see was my liabilities and delusion of a better life in front of my eyes. All that dreams were just dreams. They were the reasons I was working so hard leaving everything behind. Kept myself so engrossed I didn’t keep an option about what if..

I composed myself and went straight to my desk to do my work.  I had lost the race. I had to go back again and wait for another year. My time came and it was gone too, nothing changed. I tried to concentrate on my assignments which were given to me.  I was going through all the eod mails.
Soon my manager came. He looked at me with a sorry face and said, you can do a lot better. I m sorry it didn’t work out for you. But look at the bright side; you and me can still work together. You have so much to learn and who can teach you better than a mentor like me. I have seen it all, been there done that you know. Trust me you will get over this don’t get upset and lets go for lunch, far from these people and their competitive rat race world. You need to spend some good time so that you can buckle up and give your best shot possible, I am with you. We can do this.

He leaned on my desk and kept his hand on my shoulders. I looked up in his eyes and said rudely, I would rather be here and work. Lunch and tours can’t get me promotion. I have too much of work and I can submit all other pending reports of yours before day ends if you can leave me alone here. He walked off without even looking back. I knew he won’t come back.

 I am not sure whosoever got the project, neither I care but I had really presented a nice project. I worked my ass off in order to get this promotion. I had good stacks throughout.  I had achievement certificates all over my desk.  I left no stones unturned. Is it because I am a woman? Where did I fail? I was trying to find out the reason but getting none.

I was trying to work as much I could. trying to move on as soon as I can. In the meantime people celebrating and congratulating the winner.  I was getting wishes from people, better luck next time; I didn’t know what to do with that.

After a long fallacious day at I stopped by in a coffee shop.  I habitually used to meet my husband here couple of years back, after our office and go back home together from here. I parked my car and entered the café. This place was pack like sardines but somehow I caught a cozy seat at the corner.  I went there and just parked myself on the chair.

I had barely taken breath, I saw a 40 something tall, fair, average built Caucasian guy standing in front of me. He said,"Excuse me ms that seat is already taken".

"Taken by whom"? I asked. 

He smiled and said, ” me of course".

Well, "when I came here it was empty and now I am sitting". He said,"I just went to the rest room for few minutes".

Alright in that case you should have kept something here so one could understand that this seat belongs to you".I argued

Well, "first I didn't know that this seat will be gone in few minutes and second I had nothing to keep here except my cell phone and wallet which I preferred to carry with me", and smiled again".

This smiling was irking me. I said, sorry but I am not leaving this seat if that’s what you intend.

His smile was gone, he said, "that’s not fair!.

Oh yeah, tell me about it". Like I was ready for the next argument.

I don’t know, may be you can wait until I finish my coffee or find another chair", he gave the option.

I was in no mood of leaving that seat of mine.  I had no time to think who is fair and who is not but I only knew I am not going to leave everything just like that, be it a chair. So I said," you can do the same".

He gushed," Ah that’s alright,and then grabbed a chair and made himself comfortable at the same table.

He looked at me and said free country right? smiled again.

I smirked, I am not Leaving.
Fine, join me- he offered. Join you??... Whatever.

I called waiter, one café mocha please. And one café latte, he ordered.  I tried to distract myself by staring at the ceiling, wall, and flowers whatever I could find except his face.

I am from Ireland", he said.  So???  I replied. Well I can’t have my coffee with a sulking face” he said. I said, who has asked you to stay?  He shrugged oh come on; we know none of us is leaving. I can’t keep silent for long time. We can at least talk for a while, have our coffee and never see each other’s face... ever again. He continued without waiting for my reaction," I am from Ireland though I am staying in India from last 5 years. I am a free lancing photographer for NGC, wild life and nature which explains why India, and smiled again.

I work in a lame IT company as senior software consultant, I replied without thinking why should I.

Woooo lame IT Company, you don’t enjoy your work? He frowned.
I do enjoy my work but not my company, it’s full of crappy shit holes. He smiled again and said"  I know most of the people have the same story but that’s how is, it’s sad that you don’t enjoy what you do for living. I am really sorry to hear that.


Well thanks for your concern, but I am sure you enjoy your work, NGC, Photography-wildlife-travelling- sounds like fun job to me" - I said.


No one can love his job all the time. There is always a saturation point. It can be  stressful. Sometimes you have to walk out of your comfort zone, going to jungles in the night or afternoon in summers. Doesn't matter, if you are unwell or sick still... show must go on. You can’t afford to miss a thing. One moment can get you big bucks or just phewww. Having said that, yes I like my job as this is what I wanted to do ever since I got fired as an investment banker.


I smiled and said, sorry to hear that.

Don’t be, I am not. It all happens for its own good" he said. And then we got our coffee.

Good to know that. See I am sorry for my behavior, I didn’t mean to be rude. It just happened. I was upset, I lost my promotion opportunity, had a little tiff with my manager. Its really a bad day, I apologized.

Haven’t we crossed that stage already? Still, apology accepted!. You know I am in love with India. Diversity excites me, culture excites me, and color of your country excites me.  I would love to spend rest of my life here” he said.

I guessed may be he wanted to change the subject. So I added," Funny that is, because I find nothing great here. Population, pollution, corruption, politics, hypocrisy, crime and on top everything mentality, sucks”- I had my own thoughts. 


I agree but for me its like all the plus eats the minus. But yes I call it point of view, I would rather look at the bright side", he made his point.

We sipped our coffee. 


These people make good coffee. I don’t know what their secret recipe is; it’s always the same taste, same aroma, ((this time I changed subject)). 


He continued, Yeah I like it too I am coming here from last one year ever since I shifted in this area. Usually after work or before going to work, I guess I am addicted. 


I added -" I used to come here with my husband. This was our rendezvous, without a miss. 


Oh nice so where is he? Are we expecting him? He questioned.


Nope,  he is out of his misery...forver, I sipped my coffee and said.


Oh I am sorry, he said and got conscious. 
Long silence. 


So what happened? He asked.

Cancer.


He asked again- So you live with your in laws like your culture says?

No, after he was gone, we weren't much in touch.

So you live alone?  Your parents….?  He asked again.

Yeah I have a younger brother he is in college, nice kid and my mother and dad. Mom is house wife and dad is retired professor. Here I stay alone because of the job and also as staying back at home is tuff. My mother wants me to settle down again and dad wants me to stay with them for the rest of my life. But I can’t do either. So I stay alone. I can’t see their or anyone's benevolence for me just because I am widowed. It makes me feel more miserable. 
   

Great"... That’s all he could say.

So I was working hard to leave country so that stay away from all this for a while and can support my finance. In India it’s hard for a single woman to stay peacefully. Either too much generosity or people will just see you as an easy catch for their needs, - I said.

Hmm.. Yeah…. may be…I mean yeah I agree with you. He supported.

Anyways that’s my story,  what about you Mr. Hippie? I asked.

He called the waiter and asked to repeat the order as his coffee was finished and mine was cold already.

"You can call me hippie, that’s how I make my living. I am divorced. My wife left me for the reason as I was got fired from my job. But I know that was just an excuse. She cheated on me” he said and smiled again.

So it was my turn to say sorry.

Yes you can feel sorry, I feel too. I loved her. I gave up my passion of photography to find a stable job in finance. I gave up the custody of my daughter as it was proved that I don’t have a stable job when I was fired. And yes this love cost me fortune. So thank you for your sorry. He smiled.

I was not able to move on with out 2 best things of my life. So I left my country went to London, worked there for couple of years and then got the NGC for 5 years contract to cover whole India, documentaries but mostly photography .

We got our 2nd coffee again on our table.  I sipped my coffee and asked, so do you still miss them?

Oh hell yes" he replied. I miss those happy days when I used to get up with million kisses on my face by my daughter. I miss those after shower fun with my wife. Dining table games, grocery shopping with my wife and fight over tooth paste brand. I miss Sunday car wash with my doll. They were the most beautiful women I have ever seen. He smiled and sipped his coffee.

And you,  are you over your misery? He questioned.

I am trying hard its a tuff job. He was not a  easy guy to forget. I loved him, still love him. He lingers in my thoughts. Memories are still fresh. I keep myself occupied but no work in the earth makes me busy enough to forget him. He used to make most horrible food you can imagine. I used to eat it while making fun of him. Always forget things. Irritating me with his stupidity, walking around naked looking for his cloths like a poor kid. He used to make me angry in the morning and get me some stupid gift in the night and sing songs for me. He used to play guitar while I cook or laundry clothes, best part he didn't know how to play a guitar. Even if I am tired, bug with pointless argument. On my birthday when I thought he must have forgotten,  idiot came in front of my car while I was going to the office dressing like a joker. He never cared about anything while making me happy. He was patient with my tantrums. Bastard left me just like that. I was lost in flash back.

We were sipping our coffee.


I resumed, don’t know how people move on leaving every memory behind.  Things which they do, you do for them and then trying hard to forget everything. Just because they are not part of your life as corporeal doesn’t mean you have to leave them behind with their memory. It’s selfish to think if they are not around we should forget about them and move on. Memories make relation alive, the time you spent together, these are the things I am still living... happily in his memories.

When I go to kitchen I wish when I come back he is standing on the dining table and act like superman like he used to. I wish he could come and shampoo my hair on Sunday. It’s hard without him.

I finished my coffee, called waiter to repeat the order again.

Yes it is hard” he added. My wife loved me at one point too. I don’t know when I failed, what went wrong. There was a sudden need of privacy, she wanted space to know who she was, what she wants, and her own purpose of well being. We were good together. Suddenly we had this “Space” issue. I thought if that’s what she wants , let it be. I was patient with her. Gradually that space became  contagious . When I used to comeback early to surprise her, she had to be somewhere else. Later her phone used to get busy all the time. New email addresses were to be made for unknown reasons.  When I found out she was hanging out with her doctor. In sheer dismay,  I hit her once when I found out that she was sleeping around in my absence. We had big, ugly fight and I  lost everything. My marriage was over and daughter was gone for better custody.  I was proved to be angry, frustrate , jobless guy 

in front of my attorney. They left me when I needed them most.

I could see the pain in his eyes. I kept silent as I had nothing to say, I can’t be sorry enough to make him feel any better.

He asked me,”  When did you find out he has cancer?

That was until April 2006 when he noticed in a mirror that the whites of his eyes looked yellow. "In just two days, his  skin was jaundiced," I said . We went for all kind of test required. We waited a week for results, his appetite diminished. More tests followed, including an ultrasound and CT scan of the liver.  We were  told his liver tests were "way out of whack." We weren’t  prepared for what he heard next.

We were  told that he has  pancreatic cancer and that there was nothing that could be done for me," I  recalled . We went home without any hope. We held each other’s hand  whole way back to home. I was crying keeping my head on his chest whole night. He was awake, he said” I don’t care about death, it’s  just the thought of  being apart from you is killing me. If I die early don’t blame cancer it will be the thoughts of your life without me, its lingering all over my head”. He tried to keep me happy as much as he could while he was alive. I saw his health diminishing every day.  When he had cancer I used to have dreams that he has left me. When he left me I used to get dreams that he is around me. I don’t know what to do, how to do. My lips were jittering. I saw waiter coming I sipped my coffee.  Cheque please, I asked the waiter. He said, see it was nice that we spoke; It’s easy to get open up in front of a stranger. I smiled, yeah may be, never tried before. So how long are you in India? I asked. I have been covering India from all sides. My project is about culture and food mostly I guess I would be here for till next year. After that I will have to move back somewhere in south America to cover the same thing, “he replied. That’s like you will never be stable” I said. Like they say the world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page, I believe in that theory. And yes the journey is my home. I don’t know where else to go. What would be better than letting people see the world from my eyes world? Waiter came with the bill and I put my hand inside the purse to get the money. He said its ok I got this. I said oh come on, I took your chair I should be sorry… It’s on me. Oh come on it’s alright we are over that don’t make me feel miserable, I had nice time and let the gentleman pay. I will feel good. He argued and I couldn’t say anything more. I stood up first and waited me to walk and then followed me. Outside the café he opened the door for me and said, I had nice time. I am glad I went to the loo before coffee.  I laughed, shook his hand and walked away towards my car. I got into the car and saw him standing and looking for an auto. I honked and asked,” can I drop you? No thanks I am good, I had enough coffee I’ll walk. I stay close by. He replied Oh please, come in I’ll drop you. I insisted. He smiled and turned towards me. I was thinking in my mind, “What a misery, we both got cheated, one by life and another by death.

Auli- Defining glory of nature.

I wasn’t in mood for a holiday, so I was pushing the plans. I got conference call from a couple of friends and they insisted me to go and I couldn’t deny, hence the trip started. My childhood friends were cute enough to book the tickets, collect the details and pack my bag too while I was in office. So I reached straight from the office to the railway station.

We had our train around 22:40 which departed on time. We had our seats so we made ourselves quite comfortable in our respective seats. One thing you must have notice in sleeper class is that people  are always in rush unlike other class. Busy finding seats, busy teaching/instructing kids, busy running for last minutes snacks/water, busy staring co passengers etc. Also almost every compartment will have a guru age may vary, a person,  who knows all the routes, timings, whether forecast, every junction en-route etc, so you don't have to worry if you are new to some route. Anyways we were quite tired hence were lost in dreams as soon as we finished our home made dinner. Next thing I remember was Katgodam, it is the last station on its Indian Railways line. From Katgodam we had to hire cab in order to reach Auli which was around 314 Km from Katgodam. There weren’t much people at the station, I believe only around 30. It was a cramped, isolated  but clean place. As soon as we came out of station there were many drivers and cars. I never felt like a celebrity before. They surrounded us like paparazzi while pushing each other real hard. They wanted us to hire them and started throwing their prices. My friend booked a Travera for around INR 7000 return fare included. Thinking of 4 people with 5 bags, long 315 km journey and enough space for everyone, sounded like a good deal to us. So we began our road trip after a little refreshment at the station.

Weather was quite pleasant, bright and sunny with about 10-12 degree temperature. From Kathgodam, mountain roads lead to tourist destinations like Nainital, Bhimtal, Sattal, Mukteshwar, Ranikhet, Naukuchiyatal and Almora. The route was quite picturesque. We were crossing long foot hills of Himalaya, surprised by the twist and turns of road which was  also a reason for one of our fellow friend to puke at every 10 miles, last we counted 7 times. We used to get down in every couple of hours to have nice tea, snacks and to breathe a little fresh air.

We came across quite famous religious places karn prayag ,Adh Badri etc. In the hilly areas sun sets quite beautifully and early so around 6 it was dawn. The color of sky was vivid and graphic. We had to reach Auli before night, as night time was quite risky because of the sudden change in  landscape . We were excited to reach there and praying hard to snow a lot, as we had never seen snow besides, movies and inside the freezer of a refrigerator. As soon as we crossed Joshimath it started to rain.

Auli is 14 km from Joshimath however the road gets steeper and makes an angle of around 45 degree, quite scary. As prayed and god listened, it started snowing. We were lively and chirpy. However happiness didn’t last for a long time. Only after 5 km we realized how it is to drive on roads like that. That road can be a nightmare to drivers with less experience. Our driver was pretty brave and patient. He was trying to move forward however as much as he tried, our car was skating back to the right side on the edge of the road and we were around 3000 meters (3 km) above sea level. Soon we came out of car as we were hell scared. We thought that if  we clean the snow and remove the thin layer of snowflakes it might not skit. As expected, it didn't work out well. Few other cars crossed us by and suggested us to return as the road above was not clear and its was more snow up above. We were hesitant to ride. We were struggling for 20 minutes but couldn't move more than 20 meters. We took out some good amount air from all the tires too thinking it might stop the tires from skating but it made the task loftier as then it was getting hard to move the steering. The snow fall was still on and it started covering the car roof and windows. We sat on the back seat and tried to move it up but no luck. We were adamant to go up so we took out of cab carrying our bags and got ready to go on our own leaving the car behind. But as soon as we turned off the lights of car we realized we can’t see anything but the snow. Snow was everywhere. The surrounding was camouflage with snow. Driver insisted us to get back in the car as there was fear of wild animals around. That moment was scary as we could hear nothing at the same time we could feel the wind blowing and snow fall which was spine chilling. Hence we stopped being audacious and got back to our cab. We ourselves made the task severe by taking out air from the wheels. It took a lot of time getting back downhill towards Joshimath.

It was raining back here with temp. of 2 degree, freezing and market was closed only around 9 pm. We were finding it hard to find hotels as most of them were close or charging too high as we were somewhat vulnerable. Most of the roads were blocked or closed. In the mean time we arranged food from a decent and only open restaurant. We also heard stories of how wild animal attacked locals recently. Somehow we booked a hotel our only option. We were hell tired still had food, little vodka and lots of laughs. We didn't realize when we dozed off. Next day we woke up early and excited. View outside the hotel was unreal. Joshimath market where we were staying is covered with snowy mountains and various trees, well maintained. Houses nearby are unorganized and low network zone. Things are hard to find but you will get basics anyway. Post tea and breakfast we resumed our climb to Auli. Only after few miles we had to stop as again cab was not moving up and it was really hard to drive. So we decided to start trekking there onward.

We found a shortcut to climb up as it was around 5 km from our starting point. Trekking was absolute play of adrenalin  as A) we knew nothing about it and B) thoughts of bears and leopard was haunting us. After a little struggle on up slope we managed to reach AULI.

About Auli- I would say this place is more than just a  beauty, nature mountains or just another holiday spot. We took out our camera, started shooting and posing like stars and celebrities. We couldn't get enough of the beauty. We couldn't thank ourselves for our decision of coming here. We couldn't have asked for more.

We refilled ourselves with some snacks and tea. There after we went to the highest point of Auli with the help of a cable car. All that I remember on the cable car was movie Frozen. Beauty around was gorgeous and magnificent. There was a small shop for tea and snacks too, but price for everything was double (well deserving for the effort). We stayed there for a while. No wonder if yogis, hermit or sannyasi used to meditate in places like this, infinite tranquility. You just don’t see or feel snow fall you literally hear snow falling on ground. I was in love with this place however it was hard to stay there for long time because our feet were cold and half of body was numb, temp only about – 7. So we decided to move back to our hotel.

We had to walk all the way till our cab so we hurried up as it was around 4.30 tending to dawn. While coming back there was an event manager who accompanied us along with another couple. He was suggesting us to move away from the place as there were wild animals around. We too literally saw blood spots on the snow and believe me it was spooky enough for us to almost double our speed. Nevertheless we reached before it’s too dark. We took our cab from midway, it was waiting there. As soon we returned to our hotel we changed and had our dinner and after a little blah blah we went off to sleep.

Next day morning we woke up pretty early in order to get our train to Delhi from Joshimath. We saw couple of places while coming back, Karnprayag and Ranikhet. It was getting cold back here too. We reached to the station on time however all on my head was a long silence and the beauty captured on our head. It was an amazing trip with the people I know and love so much. It just ended perfectly.


I believe you can capture million pictures or have some recording to give an idea about the place you visited however you can never make someone feel what you have been through, how amazing your experience was. This always remains exclusive for you.

Why blogging?

Many reasons. The very first, as the idea of human being a social animal, we love to show how we are feeling one way or other. If we are happy we smile, if upset we grump. We do like to share our emotions, moods with close or not so close ones or at times with strangers too. The whole point is we like to share what we think or what we feel. Blogging I think is a kind of personal diary open for public or close circle where we scribble whatever we want and want people to read or  give their opinion.

Secondly, We are chasing technology, if we have got a little space somewhere where we can write whatever we want to  and share at the same time across the world, why not?  

Thirdly, you get the excitement of writing as you know that people are there waiting to read what you think, may be just couple but these couple may mean world to you (at least in my case). They will comment their heart out. Few fake, few honest, some harsh and some inspiring. May be none, but who cares?

Fourth, be a blogger and earn. Technology has so much to offer one thing is money. Be a free lancer and get some good bucks for your well deserving thoughts and ideas.

This list can go on and on but why wasting papers on something which many people would not even bother to know or read. I mean write whatever you want, share with whosoever you want. With blogging you can actually have a discussion, share your thoughts, your experience, your secrets if you want to etc.You can keep a track of your written stuffs, update your space with new ideas, get real time suggestions/corrections/ criticisms/appreciations etc.

If you bother to ask me, I would say, honestly.. I have the most horrible handwriting on the planet. If you would see my calligraphy, you would say it doesn’t belong here, trust me it looks like what cavemen used to do. I myself at times fail to read what I write. So I choose blogging. I can write whenever I want no handwriting issues, can share with my close friends, no paper/ink wastage and most important I love to write. 
Before blogging  I tried to get the habit of diary writing but as mentioned above never worked out. I feel enthusiastic. With the hope that if I continue to write maybe I can call myself a blogger after couple of years. But this will take more than a while.